I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
