ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
