i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
