I wish they made helmets for livers.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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