Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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