his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
