Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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