Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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