dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize