1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
