no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Randomize
