Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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