i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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