I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
