I'm pants shitting drunk right now
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
