I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
