my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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