hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
