last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
