Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we're so committed to being not committed
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
