They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
