I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
