I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
