my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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