I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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