Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
not ubering you a puppy
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
