My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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