You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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