Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize