He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
