Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
