You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
