somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
