Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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