the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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