I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
