So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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