while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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