Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
