Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
