he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
