mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
