His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
