hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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