You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
