So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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