Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
