i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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