Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just pee around me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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