I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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