a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
