I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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