Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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