The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
