I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
