im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
