ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
