Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
not ubering you a puppy
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
