You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
