We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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